I Gave Up on One of My 2021 Goals

I did 51 of 365 days for my Acts of Action

Photo from one of my first protests in Seattle when Trump created a travel ban.

I really wanted to be a more effective activist. I wanted to use my voice in contributing to meaningful changes in the world. So, I set out to post an “Act of Action” every day for all of 2021, after 52 days I gave up.

In the beginning, these Instagram stories were getting a lot of engagement, and I was feeling proud of myself but as the days go on, not only was I running out of content but I also felt like what I had to say was not as important or meaningful as I thought it was. I wanted to prompt my friends and family to do more and be mindful of their actions. Maybe I did do that, but as the days go on, I didn’t think it was enough. Which led me to think that the effort I was putting in creating the prompts was not worth it, and I should direct that energy towards something that has a more lasting change.

Day 1’s act of action. The responses for this were so humbling because I ended up being aware of other privileges I have that I have overlooked.

To be brutally honest, I gave up on people’s words. When I was younger, I over-promised and didn’t put a lot of weight in the words I said, but I expected those around me to stay true to what they say. Eventually, I realized how hypocritical that is, so I started practicing what I say. It’s not a linear journey and I know I’m still working on it — but one of my strategies is to be aware of my limits, know when I can’t deliver, and admit to not knowing things that I don't know. Obviously, I over-promised when I said I would publish 365 acts of action on my Instagram stories. So the best I can do is, to be honest about admitting why I can’t do it.

I’m coming to terms with the realization that while a lot of people may say they stand with you on some issues, and that their values align with yours, a lot of times their actions don’t reflect these words. On a daily basis, people still choose what their raw instinctive emotions are at a given moment — they freeze when something shocking happens and still act as a bystander. One prompt, that you see only once won’t impact behavioral change. It’s a consistent practice that does that.

One too many examples of performative allyship done by people that I respected opened my eyes to how activism even by people of color can reek of the white savior behavior. So, I started questioning myself and my intention. Did I start this project because I wanted to be heard or is it because I want more people to be more active? The answer is definitely the latter, and the decision of not continuing my project was actually cemented by that. At the end of the day, it's our lived experiences that make a meaningful and permanent change in how we see the world. And even if we envision and claim to work on building a more equitable future, we’re all susceptible to a bad day when a wrong reaction to something can be hurtful to those around us. Of course, there are things you can do to repair damages once that’s done, and I do think that in most cases a person should be judged by their body of work and not by their biggest mistake or most celebrated success.

All of that combined left me here. I’m not sure if I’m just floating and relying on the tides to sway me, or if I’m too stubbornly anchored staying in the exact same place while the rest of the world moves. I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m willing to admit that all of those reflections have taken a toll on my mental space, mental health, and energy. I still want to impact changes in our world however small, as long as it goes towards a more equitable future but for now, I’m exhausted therefore any sort of acts of action that I do will be done silently.

I’m Ana, I usually write about Design, Culture, Art, and Technology but all of those interests are powered by a dream for a more equitable society, so from time to time I do some brain dumps like this one. Follow along if you’re interested in a range of ramblings.